The Pinnacle Of Trust
Being An Engineering Manager: Part 3
So. If you read Part 2 and came back for more, you must REALLY enjoy mountain analogies or you wanna learn more about Trust. Either way - you’ve left Ground Zero and safely navigated the gentle slope.
Excellent.
You’re now ready to perform advanced managerial techniques such as approving holidays and granting admin privileges in Jira (why am I even in charge of this?).
What I’m saying is it’s all well and good getting to know each other and building up familiarity. But it’s all a bit… artificial, isn’t it? It’s not trust. Not yet. Trust only exists once you’ve been tested. Trust is something you have to see in action to truly believe.
And that’s why we’re here. On the Face of the Mountain.
The Face:
The scariest thing about the face of the mountain is knowing that many journeys end here. It’s the first time trust can either reach its limit or, worse still, be broken entirely.
That’s because there are no more footholds. No easy wins. No promises for the future.
Remember all those times I told Stella (you remember Stella, my pompous arrogant book character line report from last time) we’d look at personal development time, or we’d get her some mentoring opportunities in the new year, or even something as simple as never sending her an agenda-less meeting request.
All great things a manager should say, am-I-right? Promises are easy to make, aren’t they?
But we are on THE MOUNTAIN FACE people. The second half of the climb. The air is thin. The ground is out of sight. And I don’t just get to keep saying all the reassuring things a manager should say.
What’s the point if I don’t follow through on them? Live by them.
Because now every time I cancel Personal Development Time, or say “the mentoring might have to be put on hold,” or thrust a blank 121 invite into her calendar at the last minute - the brittleness of the little trust I thought we had is tested.
Stella can’t make the climb of her life alone. So what she really wants to know is that if she stumbles - I’ll be there to grab her and pull her up.
So if she tells me she feels like she has stagnated and doesn’t have the opportunity to learn anymore, I need to show her my plan. And if I don’t have a plan - I need to get my ass in gear, clear my calendar and put one together with her. No more thinking about it. No more talking about it. Just do it. Popular Engineering Management slogan I know.
Still - there’s more to beware. Perhaps something that should be reiterated at every stage from Ground Zero upwards. The dreaded Over-Promise.
When it comes to management my primary style is to let my line report take the lead (If you’re yelling, ‘hell yes that’s my style too’ in your head. Remember I said primary. I use it when I can, but good managers apply MANY styles for MANY types of people or scenario). I wanna hear what they want to do, how they want to grow and where all their hopes and dreams will lead. Then I use my experience, expertise and the resources around me to pile in with support, suggestions and plans on how to get them there.
Within reason. There is no point in me telling Stella I can get her to CEO within the next 6 months. Mostly because that would put her hierarchically above me and I’ll be damned if I ever take orders from an 18-year-old.
But equally, if Stella thinks she’s underpaid there’s also no point in me telling her I can drop an extra £10k in her purse during the next round of pay rises.
Having said that - asking for money is basically my speciality. Just ask my bank. Or my family. In fact, I’m so good at asking for money that when the kids request ice cream, I ask them if they have any change for the van.
But even if I’m 99.9% confident that I can make it happen - There are ALL kinds of factors out of my control that could derail that plan. And no matter how good or valid my excuses might be - we’re downsizing, there are budget cuts, I actually don’t really like you that much, etc. All Stella will ever remember is that I said she’d get it. And she didn’t. I didn’t follow through. And that’s all it takes to undo that trust we thought we had.
Good advice is to avoid promises altogether. But if you are going to promise something - promise you’ll do everything you can. Then do it.
And I know what some of you wondering right now too.
“Why wouldn’t I do something I said I was going to do?”
The answer is simple for all who have been in this situation (and you’ll see this double in severity at The Peak later). It’s the risk. The risk to you.
Risking your position. Risking your credibility. Risking YOUR trust with others.
It sounds silly, doesn’t it? When it’s hypothetical. But there will come a time when your line report asks for something from you that puts you out of your comfort zone. And to do it you may have to do anything from confronting your own boss to seeking out a meeting with the Head of People.
The question is - will you take on risk yourself? Can you live with your boss thinking you’re soft and focused on the wrong things? Will you risk requesting a professional break for someone when HR thinks you should just fire them and be done with it?
Or will you look for the easy road? The path of least resistance? And just tell your line report what they’re asking is too much? (When in reality it’s just ‘too much’ for you.)
In my career, this pattern recurs whenever I raise a point about diversity at work. Across many managers at many companies. I call it Silent Management.
Silent management is when my manager nods their head, tells me how much they agree and support me, and how WE should address this important thing I’ve raised.
Then I never hear anything on this subject ever again. Because they throw the scary subject in the bin as soon as the meeting ends. Along with my trust in them. Whether it’s fear, application or just ignorance - it doesn’t really matter. If they’re not willing to take it any further, and just as importantly - they don’t admit that they’re not going to take it any further. It makes it hard for me to trust them any further.
Bonus Tip:
Not all your reports are going to be loud, foul-mouthed over-sharers like Stella. Believe it or not, the one who erupts every week in your 121 is usually the easier person to manage. Exhausting, yes. But at least you know when they need your help.
Take a second to think about the mild-mannered, ever-polite, almost annoyingly consistent and autonomous worker. They never seem ruffled. They never complain. And they most certainly never ask for help. I should know, I’m usually one of them.
So how do you know when they’re attempting part of the climb that they should never make alone?
Well, it sucks to say that there are never any guarantees. But there’s always a safe bet you can begin with. And it’s not on them, it’s on you. If you’re expecting your line report to talk, start by doing some of the talking yourself.
I know you’ve had the buzzwords ‘active listening’ beaten over your head in every managerial course you’ve ever been on. And sure, listening is your most powerful tool. But it also helps to show some vulnerability on your side.
Let’s take a quick detour and talk about Superman.
Yes, that Superman. The Man of Steel. The Last Son of Krypton. The one who wears his red pants on the outside.
Superman is pretty much everyone’s favourite hero. He’s literally indestructible. He swoops in and saves the day while maintaining the unruffled image of the chiselled deity that he is.
He is of course, entirely fictional. But on top of that, entirely unrelatable. Infallibility is an unrealistic trait. Is that the image you’re trying to achieve? To be revered by the people you manage? Or do you want them to know that you’re human and you have feelings and make mistakes too?
In fact, Superman is great until a chunk of radioactive rock renders him inert. And you’re going to be mighty disappointed if you were relying on being saved on that particular day.
It’s usually more palatable for us to put our faith in people who seem more like us. People who aren’t afraid to admit they’re having a bad day. And who will tell you that even though they want to help, they aren’t 100% sure what to do next.
Because remember, you’re not trying to save your line report. They don’t need rescuing. They just need support. Don’t confuse trust for dependency and make the mistake of creating a dependency on you. Because you can only help them climb the mountain, you can’t carry them.
The Peak
So this is it. The peak.
And surprisingly, I’m going to keep this short and simple. Because there are only really two things that are going to happen at this height.
1) Absolutely nothing.
We’ve done it. We’ve done all the work. We’ve supported each other along the way and we trusted that if and when we needed each other, we’d be there. And actually, the journey was smooth.
Guess what? Not every journey has an end boss. Sometimes they just… end. Stella takes her next job aboard the Moonlighter (totally awesome second book that is actually worth reading btw. Did I not mention the first book is awful? Oh, well, it is). Or maybe I move to a different team where I’m not her direct manager anymore. It doesn’t mean our journey together is over, but it is time to put this particular mountain behind us.
2) Stella Takes a Leap of Faith
After everything we’ve been through, Stella already has faith that if she makes a death-defying leap towards me across the mountaintop, I’m going to catch her. The trouble is - we’ve never faced this kind of test before. All she has to go on is the trust we’ve spent all this time building.
But do I practice what I preach? Am I going to stand by Stella no matter the size of the challenge she faces?
If she’s being discriminated against? If she’s been harassed? If she’s been racially abused?
These are big scary things that maybe I’ve never confronted myself. Do I even know how to help her through these things? Maybe not. But the point I’m trying to make is something every manager needs to know and own.
The moment you set out on this journey. After you place your first foot on the mountain, you’re putting yourself on a road that may lead to you having to fight something big and scary with, or maybe even on behalf of someone else.
Because that’s where trust leads.
And with that said… That’s it. We did it. We conquered Trust Mountain.
Fair warning - in the book Stella is nearly drowned by a squid, breaks her arm, gets eaten by a giant worm and walks through a live minefield. But obvs with me as her manager, none of that stuff would ever happen. Because when my people leap - I’ll make sure I’m there.
Unless I’m in a meeting. Or on the school run. Or on a holiday.
Look I’ll be there when I can, okay?